Usually I’d laugh along and try to come up with a counter jab. But once in a while the comment struck a tender chord and stung.
I never let on, of course. I felt I had to keep a stiff upper lip. I would do
my customary laugh and pretend I didn’t hurt.
The teasing about being ugly seemed believable at times. Like an arrow with a poison tip, its impact seeped into my soul and colored how I saw myself.
With the poison doing its work, it became easy for me to argue its truth. My front teeth stuck out as a kid, earning me the nickname of “beaver teeth.” A pronounced cowlick on the top of my forehead caused my hair to stick up on end. And a crooked nose caricaturizes my face to this day.
While not debilitating, the sense of being at least mildly defective stuck with me throughout my childhood and teen years. As an adult, I’ve resolved most of the self-image issues. But under the right circumstances, insecurity can still raise its ugly head.
This sense of not measuring up, being unacceptable, and inadequacy has a name—shame. For some the negative thoughts become particularly pervasive to the point of being toxic.
While we might not be familiar with the term toxic shame, we are well acquainted with its other name—our inner critic. That critic tells us that we’re not enough—not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not strong enough.
The inner critic of shame tells us that we are “inadequate, defective, unworthy, or not fully valid as a human being” (Fossum).
“It’s a feeling that we do not measure up to the sorts of persons we are meant to be . . . It gives us a vague disgust with ourselves, which in turn feels like a hunk of lead in our hearts” (Smedes).
Shame impacts how we do relationships—marriage, family and friendships. It interferes with our capacity to establish effective relationships.
Recording artist and TV personality Sheila Walsh chronicles her experience with shame in her book, Honestly. She outlines several ways that shame wreaks havoc in relationships:
Shame is highly ‘performance conscious.’ We are so anxious to please and to be needed that we measure our worth by what we can produce for others.
Shame makes us ignore our own needs like a martyr. We balance the scales of our sense of worthlessness by ignoring our legitimate needs. Pleasing and appeasing others are always more important than caring for self.
Shame makes it difficult to trust others. It’s hard to let anyone in because we’re convinced they won’t like what they’ll see in us.
Shame makes us possessive of relationships. We cling to others, fearing abandonment.
Shame has a high need for control. The only way to survive is to maintain control. It makes us overly responsible. We believe it’s our job to keep everything running smoothly and everyone happy.
We’ll explore more about shame in future articles.
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