David de Silva describes its impact. “It means hiding part of who we are because we are sure we will be rejected and loathed because of that part, a commitment to repression that spawns all manner of dysfunctional and inauthentic behaviors, relational patterns and self-image.”
One of the difficulties it creates is an insatiable demand that others, particularly our spouse, prove their love for us.
The results are disappointing, frustrating and problematic.
Shame is never satisfied. It can never get enough of others’ validation. It’s never convinced and always demands more.
My friend Jim Harrelson describes it as the drain in the bathtub. No matter how much water you pour into the tub, as long as the drain remains unplugged, it eventually empties.
“No matter how fast and furious or how long we try filling the tub, all the love we try to grasp at just goes down the drain.”
Shame turns demanding. We demand our partner fill our tub. When their efforts ultimately fail, as they surely will, we become angry.
Typically our partner initially plays into our demands. They do their best to make sure the tub is full. The more we demand, the more love and affirmation they attempt to produce. It becomes a never-ending cycle.
Eventually, they grow exhausted. All their efforts are for naught. They reach their breaking point and cut off the supply, often angry as well.
A former student of mine states it well. “I spent years doing everything I could to prove to my love to my ex-wife. But I discovered it was an emotional Bermuda Triangle. I could never do enough. I finally quit trying.”
How then do we stop this cycle? The starting point is to locate the responsibility for our sense of worth and validity.
Too often we assume that it’s primarily our partner’s responsibility to make us feel important, valuable and loved. But that task is no one else’s duty but our own.
While our partner certainly contributes to what we feel, they don’t have the power to make us feel or believe anything. Only we possess that power. The sooner we accept this, the better it will be for everyone.
When we stop putting pressure on our partner, we’re now free to focus on ourselves. We can go to work on resolving what’s driving our sense of shame. Ironically, when we cease demanding, we become able to receive. We’re much more likely to take in the love and affirmation our partner gives.
We’ll explore this further in the next article.
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