Each exemplifies a failure to fulfill a crucial relational task—to be present and accounted for.
Being present and accounted for is important for at least a couple of reasons. One, it shifts the focus of relational responsibility where it primarily belongs—on me. I’m responsible for my thoughts and feelings and to make them known. I have a responsibility to contribute to the relationship.
Two, it speaks to the fundamental definition of relationship. A relationship requires both parties to show up, to bring something meaningful to the table. It’s nearly impossible to relate to a non-self.
When one or both partners in a marriage are not present and accounted for, intentional action needs to be taken to correct the problem.
One of the first considerations is to ask where else is this the case? When someone fails to be present and accounted for in their marriage, they often have some form of cut-off in their extended family.
Do they avoid family gatherings? Is there a family member that they have ceased communicating with? Do they silence their opinions when around their family of origin?
Make this is a starting point. Contact the cut-off party. Break the ice with a phone call, email, or letter. Find ways to maintain contact. Show up at family gatherings. Offer information that would normally be withheld.
A word of caution—we don’t need to swallow the elephant in one bite. There might be years of unresolved conflict. We may feel deep betrayal at their hands.
We ought not to walk back into those situations carelessly and vulnerable to more hurt. But we can make efforts to reconnect. Start with safe conversations. Asking questions to get to know the estranged family member is a good way to break the ice.
Making such efforts to be present and accounted for in our extended family begins to release the blocked anxiety that keeps us shut down in our marriage. Sharing ourselves—our thoughts, feelings and emotions—with our spouse becomes easier.
We can also develop the discipline of defining our position clearly. Partners sometime fall into the habit of answering questions with, “I don’t know.” Others stuff their opinions and feelings rather than speaking up.
Such habits are hard to break, but not impossible. Resolve to eradicate “I don’t know” from your vocabulary. Push yourself to take a position and clarify it. Ask your spouse to hold you accountable by not letting you off the hook with “I don’t know” answers.
Again, start simple. When asked for an opinion, come up with one. State what kind of food you want for supper. Offer ideas for a date activity. Answer with an honest “yes” or “no” when asked for your preference.
As we develop these skills, we develop the capacity to be present and accounted for. In the process we’ll discover the truth that “a self is more attractive than a non-self.”
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