One such service featured an open microphone allowing those who wished to speak words of remembrance to do so. One of the female residents raised her hand.
The microphone was passed to her. The attention of all turned to hear what she would say about the deceased.
“I just want you to know that I’m here,” she said and then returned the mic.
While the woman’s words seem a bit misplaced, they carry great significance. They model a key relational skill—to be present and accounted for.
This skill focuses on the questions, “How do we allow our partner know that we are here? How do we make our presence known? How do we show up in the relationship?”
To be present and accounted for in marriage is apparently more difficult than it seems. It’s not at all unusual for one or both partners to not “show up” in the relationship.
For a variety of reasons, they avoid stating their opinions, desires, likes and dislikes. They find it easier to just go along with their partner, even if it means becoming an emotional doormat. They may feel they don’t deserve to think their own thoughts or speak their own voice.
Others are passive and nonresponsive. They don’t engage their partner. They rely on their partner to make all the plans, carry the conversation and initiate interaction.
Either way they really don’t show up in the relationship. In business terms, they aren’t bringing anything to the table.
In my experience their partner responds in one of two ways. One, they opt to avoid being present and accounted for as well. In this case the relationship is marked by shallow levels of interaction, minimal intimacy and avoiding uncomfortable subjects of conversation.
Secondly, they over-compensate for their partner’s passivity and withdrawal. The active partner makes all the decisions, does most of the talking, and initiates the partner’s activities and involvement.
The active partner pulls the weight of the relationship, and they feel it. They often grow weary and resentful. They’re likely to feel lonely because their partner is emotionally absent.
The absent partner often grows resentful as well. In their failure to speak up and to make their self known, they are dominated by the active partner. Their opinions, desires and preferences are overshadowed and go unspoken. Out of default they find themselves going along with things they dislike.
It can be scary, but for marriage relationships to work, both partners must be present and accounted for. When one or both partners fail to do so, the relationship suffers.
At best, the couple can only create pseudo intimacy. Intimacy requires two people really showing up—willing to know and be known.
We’ll explore possible avenues of being present and accounted for in future articles.
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