The timing seemed perfect. I was transitioning out of my position as pastor of our church. The new position would begin shortly after my resignation date. My family could relocate before school reconvened for the fall.
It was an ideal fit for my training and experience. I loved the location of the center—beautiful southwestern Virginia, right next door to Virginia Tech University.
All systems were go. We began the emotional transition that such a move requires. The kids were on board. All that was left was the final call and invitation.
Finally, one June afternoon the phone rang. However, it wasn’t the news we were hoping for. The economic downturn was already making its impact. The center had instituted a hiring freeze.
The deal was off.
The door of opportunity slammed shut right in my face.
It placed me center stage of what we all experience at some point in our lives—having to deal with things in life that we don’t want. Gauging from my work with my clients, this is one of life’s most difficult tasks.
Perhaps my experience pales in comparison to what others go through—death of a family member, a partner who cheats, diagnosis of cancer, a horrible accident. But whatever our experience, the pain is real and adjusting is tough.
I’ve observed two common responses to such events. Both make it difficult to move forward. If we’re not careful, our past can continue in our present and on into our future.
One is the refusal to accept the event. We say things like, “It can’t be happening.” “I refuse to accept it.” “It must change.”
Denial is a natural part of the grieving process, especially when we’re still in shock. But persisting in our refusal to accept reality works against us. It compounds the pain. When we fight reality, reality wins every time.
The other is the inevitable “why?” question. “Why did the accident happen?” “Why did she cheat on me?”
It’s normal to ask why. Sometimes there are answers, but most of the time there are not—at least not the answers we want to hear. We often get stuck demanding an answer, but knowing why wouldn’t change the past.
At the risk of sounding trite, the path through our pain and disappointment is acceptance. When we can move toward accepting what we didn’t want, our torment begins loosening its grip.
We might find the serenity prayer helpful. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
It’s neither an easy or quick process. A year later, I still find it difficult at times to accept what I didn’t want. Others testify to the process taking years. But as long as we’re moving toward acceptance, we’re making progress.
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