I had the unmistakable sensation of congestion, and it was shifting as if it were getting ready to drain. Those who’ve had swimmers ear know the feeling.
I hurriedly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to fetch a cotton swab. But when I swabbed my ear, it was dry.
As I puzzled over this, once again I felt movement and heard the accompanying rumbling of static in my ear. I leaned over the sink fully expecting a release of Mt. Vesuvius proportions. Again, nothing.
Then, suddenly, a little, black, beetle-like bug plopped from my ear onto the counter. He quickly scurried off. I was kind of grossed out, but relieved. I sauntered back to bed to salvage what I could of a decent night’s sleep.
What does that have to do with couples’ relationship? There are, no doubt, many possibilities, such as how some men listen to their wives—in one ear and out the other. I’ll resist that temptation.
In keeping with our recent theme of anxiety in relationships, I want, instead, to focus on maintaining a calm, non-anxious and non-reactive presence when stress, uncertainty and conflict pose a threat to us.
When I first awoke with the pressure and noise in my ear, I could have easily jumped to catastrophic conclusions, panicked and even become angry. My aforementioned history of ear infections and surgeries certainly could have triggered such reactions.
Somehow I remained relatively calm and non-reactive. I refrained from assuming the worse. I did what I could to take care of myself. I even resisted the urge to smash the bug, allowing it go free and see another day.
I don’t want to create the illusion that I’ve completely mastered my anxiety. But I am learning the importance of self-regulation and maintaining a non-anxious presence.
The non-anxious person focuses on their own behavior, not their partner’s. They are able to manage and suppress their reflexive impulses and automatic reactions. They keep calm for the purpose of reflection and conversation. They are able to accurately observe what is happening, especially their own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
They keep a perspective of a vision and goal larger than self-preservation or merely winning an argument. They are able to be self-choosing and self-defining, rather than being controlled by the circumstances. They uphold their own integrity and guard the dignity of the other parties involved.
So allow me to put a bug in your ear. To sustain effective relationships, managing self and developing the capacity to maintain a calm, non-anxious presence is crucial.
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