On cold days Cinnamon curls up next to our porch. Tucked under her shoulder you’ll see one of our cats, using Cinnamon to provide shelter. Another cat perches herself on Cinnamon’s back and sleeps.
Cinnamon patiently tolerates their intrusion and shares the warmth. That’s the kind of dog she is.
One summer night, however, I saw a different side to Cinnamon. I’d stepped outside to catch a view of the stars and noticed she was sleeping in our yard. Normally she jumps right up and comes to me.
This time she kept sleeping. I got one of my occasional inspirations of stupidity and decided to sneak up on her and give her a scare.
I really didn’t think I had a chance. Her sense of smell and hearing are usually radar sharp and alerts her to anything moving within a hundred feet. This time she must have been in deep sleep, lost in doggy-dreams.
I crept all the way next up to her. I waited for her to stir. When she didn’t, I crouched down and then sprang for her. I gave out my best Braveheart scream and grabbed her ribs.
My normally docile and loyal canine friend suddenly turned into a viscous beast. In a millisecond she was on her feet, growling, showing her teeth and snapping at my hand.
Just as quickly, she recognized me and began wagging her tail, happy to see me. Once my adrenaline returned to normal, I inventoried both hands. Thankfully, I wasn’t missing any fingers.
I learned a couple of lessons. The first and obvious—I was an idiot. (Warning: don’t do this at home!)
The second lesson: anger is often an expression of our fear.
Fear is one of the three primary emotions that drives anger. We’ve explored the other two, pain and frustration, in previous articles.
The intense nature of the marital relationship often triggers feelings of vulnerability and insecurity in partners. The resulting fear commonly manifests as anger.
A husband is late getting home and fails to call. His wife worries that he’s been in an accident. When he arrives home, she angrily chews him out. Her anger may be more an expression of her fear over his safety than his time of arrival.
Fear can stem from insufficient information or a feeling that our partner is acting too quickly or too slowly in making a change. We feel vulnerable and find ourselves reacting with anger.
Exploring and addressing our fears holds the key to resolving our anger. Other anger management techniques, such as counting to ten, won’t help much in these situations.
In light of our series there are three important questions we need to explore when anger surfaces: Where am I experiencing pain or hurt? Am I frustrated? Am I afraid?
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